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Your recipe is good that it focuses on a brief overview, the financial model and the planned used of funds. The "what is in it for investors" should not be in any documentation until a first round of verbal dialogue has taken place. It is extremely important for the entreprenuer to realize that Angel Investors are more focused on the founder and his enthusiasm of his vision. Angel Investors have to be more connected to the owner than a traditional VC. Also, an entreprenuer may be willing to give up more to get the right set of angels on his team. That is what I have been doing for MyOnlineToolbox.com. Focusing too much on a specific return is waisting time since it is too early in the development stage for those metrics. Plus every angel investor knows that whatever someone says is just raw guidance. Focus on the merits of the model and partnerships, not the return until it is needed in the conversations.